PART TWENTY-TWO: The Clock Strikes Midnight (1299-1213)

From the archives of the Black Chamber— the personal papers of Valeria II.

Notes for speech to the Senate:

As you are aware, I have only just returned to Constantinople from the city of the Apostles. What wonders had Rome wrought there! How much better life was for the Antiochans in the Empire than under the Turkish yolk! Even the Miaphysites and Muslims sang our praises.

It is a testament to what the Roman empire can accomplish when it is strong, and unified. The late civil war showed just how fragile that unity can be, how easily that strength can be sapped in senseless bloodletting.

And how easily foreign foes can take advantage of that weakness.

My message to you, men and women of the Senate, is the same as it was to the people of Antioch— we will be back.

Now, war comes again— Monothelite radicals have risen up in Laodikeia. The army will shortly crush them. I make no apologies to the secular parties of the Senate for these harsh measures— they have taken up arms against the empire, and now they shall die for it. We tolerate the many faiths of the subjects of the empire. We do not indulge them.

Is all this necessary? Rework this.

Notes for speech to the Senate (Revised)
I’m raising the army and taking it to Laodikeia. Bye.

Fragments from a diary
Am extremely ill. Pneumonia. If I die of pneumonia at the age of 16 right after the hand of God Himself delivered me from the scourge of civil war, I shall be extremely cross in heaven.

At least I’ve convinced the household to let me have my papers. If I can’t ride out and behead all the douxes, at least I can still play them off one another.

The Senate has been convinced to release funds to pay off loans taken out by Kyriakos. If my early death precipitates a civil war, then at least my successor’s regent will find the books balanced.

God, in His infinite mercy, has seen fit to spare me.

The Bichri Sultanate took advantage of the empire in a time of weakness. Now, we shall see if they have the mettle to face Rome at full strength.

I begin my journey to the East tomorrow.

Dispatches to the Senate from the frontlines
Our armies have crossed the Bichri border and are besieging Antioch and its environs. So far, we have encountered very little resistance. General sentiment, however, seems to disfavor the Bichri— we have heard rumors of third parties seeking to take advantage of a distracted Badshah.

Abdul-Lateef isn’t stupid, though. He knows that defeating Rome is his first priority.

I have no intention of being defeated.

Orders to Valeria’s staff officers:

ENEMY MARCHING ON ANTIOCH IN FORCE— ABANDON ALL OTHER SIEGES. DIVERT ALL FORCES TO ANTIOCH.

The Bichri army has outmaneuvered us, massacring the forces besieging Antioch before I could arrive in relief.

Losing all our progress in the siege is a significant setback, as it will unnecessarily prolong the war.

Still, we have them cornered. We will not halt our advance.

Dispatches to the Senate from the frontlines
Victory! In the shadow of Antioch, I have routed the vanguard of the enemy’s forces and avenged the thousands of loyal Romans who were slain by the cowardly enemy.

The remaining enemy forces in the region are scattered and disorganized— mostly led by various vassals of the Badshah. I am sure that the Bichri are currently attempting to raise a fresh army, but for now I have every intention of pressing our advantage.

Fragments from a diary

Badshah Abdul-Lateef himself was leading a small force of Bichri regulars mixed in amongst the armies of his vassals. I’m not entirely sure why he put himself in such a vulnerable position— perhaps he thought his personal presence of the frontlines was essential for morale, or that his vassals needed to be closely minded lest they falter in their duty to their liege lord.

It doesn’t matter. He’s dead now.

How young he looked, lying in the dust of the battlefield, his armor beaten and broken! He was probably around my age.

How young did I look, standing there in chain-mail and gilded helm, the blood of an emperor on my sword? Clearly, my loyal soldiers won’t answer that one honestly. “You cut an impressive figure on the battlefield,” they’d say.

The scrawny teenage Badshah I’ve just cut isn’t a very impressive figure, frankly.

Barbaric, really. The fate of the word decided by a bunch of teenagers swinging swords at one another.

I’ve turned Abdul’s body over to some of the Turkish officers. They’re Sunni, and even though the Turks aren’t really members of the Levantine fan club, they’ll still give him a proper funeral, bathe and shroud him, say his Salat al-Janazah, and give him a respectable burial. It’s the least we can do, really.

The Black Chamber (whom I do not trust one iota, but is my only real source for the inner-workings of the Levantine court) has informed me that with the death of Abdul-Lateef, the Bichri Sultanate will likely come to an end, with the crown of the Levantine Empire passing to Adhid Gauhar Ayin.

No stranger to the hardships faced by empires when their leaders are slain because of an insistence on personally leading their armies. Remember when Iouliana the Great got killed by Xenon the Wicked? Or poor Empress Euphrosyne? Or my own father Kyriakos?

Oh well. I’m the greatest general in the entire Roman Empire, so my presence out here is pretty indispensable. I’ll just have to try not to die like poor Badshah Abdul-Lateef Bichri did.

Better luck next time, kid.

Dispatch to the Senate (first revision)
Victory! After personally slaying the vile heathen tyrant Abdul-Lateef, the Gauhar Ayin usurpers attempted to hide in the trackless desert! Braving unendurable hardship, the legions of Rome hunted them across the Levantine Empire, before finally pursuing them back to the gates of Antioch and routing them. The rightful territory of the empire has been reclaimed!

Dispatch to the Senate (second revision)
Led my army through the desert, on foot, twice. War over. Look grateful, idiots.

Fragments from a diary
I stabbed a seventeen year old boy to death and I’m a hero of the empire, but if I did the same thing to all these doukes everyone would act like I’d done something wrong.

I’d take the windbags in the Senate over those morons any day.

Most of these assholes have like twenty different themes to their name, so I can’t even just revoke their titles and call it a day. So instead I have to pay them for the privilege of not having them blow up the Roman Empire.

In general, the Old Romans have continued the New Byzantine light touch re: religion. On the other hand: Fuck the Pope.

The Old Romans wouldn’t even be in charge if the Milvians didn’t caucus with them anyway.

And I’m fairly certain I was put on this earth to do certain things that might require me to get my hands somewhat dirty, tolerance-wise.

Three out of five. Nobody likes a triarchy.

Are you kidding me.

Time to send a bunch of Turks and Italians to massacre Greeks? Jesus Christ.

Markos Polo has just arrived in the empire. His stories of the riches of China are pretty impressive, but the fact that they managed to get conquered by those great underachievers of the east, theMongols, should speak for itself. I mean, yes, the Ilkhanate conquered Persia, but what else have they and the Golden Horde seized? A bunch of empty steppes? Wow, truly a force to be reckoned with, the scourge of Christendom, etc.

Anyway, the Silk Road still works, so file all that under “not our problem”.

Doukes not really putting up a very good fight at all.

They aren’t so tough. Just show ’em a little steel.

“Hm, rebel armies are being slaughtered all over the place and Valeria II, greatest general in the entire Roman Empire, seems to have this one in the bag! Let me just throw my lot in with the rebels like some kind of huge idiot.” —My grandfather, Doux Komitas of Samos, Moesia, Athens, Adrianopolis, and Crete, apparently.

Prince Hippolytos dropped dead, war over. They’re calling me Valeria the Lucky, since this is the second time this happened.

This time, though, we were winning. Would have liked to put the boot in.

Still, just because I haven’t had the opportunity to throw half the doukes in the empire in jail doesn’t mean I haven’t noticed all these good Greek Orthodox vassals falling over one another to stab me in the back. I’ve instructed the Senate to pass new privileges for the Italians, Turks, Pechenegs, Catholics, Muslims, etc. in the empire. The Milvians won’t like it, but I’ll just poke the New Byzantines with a stick until they wake up long enough to vote with the Old Romans on this one.

The Milvians will like me more given what I have planned for the heretics and heathens outside of the empire, anyway.

Seljuks make a desperate stab for relevance by trying to overthrow the Gauhar Ayin. Yeah, because the Levantines are just dying to be ruled by a small Turkish elite again. Good luck, idiots.

Minutes from a meeting of staff officers
VALERIA: Gentlemen. Ladies. Please observe the map I’ve had drawn up of the territories of the Fatimid states. Note how the Kingdom of “Jerusalem” is in Egypt, while actual city of Jerusalem is part of the Fatimid Caliphate proper. Note that instead of one unified Fatimid empire, it’s two that hate one another.

VALERIA: I therefore propose the following course of action:

GENERAL OSMAN GAZI: I don’t doubt our chances against the Fatimids in their diminished state, but wouldn’t the territory be an indefensible exclave? Genoa destroyed itself trying to hold Jerusalem from afar.

VALERIA: Perhaps— although Antioch is a good deal closer to Jerusalem than Genoa. But there are things we need to do while the empire is still strong. We’re the largest empire in the entire Mediterranean world— but we’re also one lost civil war away from destroying ourselves permanently. Let us use our strength to move mountains before it’s a spent force.

Fragments from a diary
My brother-in-law, the Catholic king of Brittany, has decided to do his part in our little pseudo-Crusade. Don’t have the heart to tell him that all of this is just to fuck the Pope. The Shia are just in the way.

I’m doing this for the good of Christendom, of course. But it’s essential that the voice of Constantinople speaks louder than Orbetello.

Not much resistance from the Fatimids. Feel bad for them, really. But we really need that city.

After mopping up their token resistance, I’ve marched my army into what’s left of Jerusalem after centuries of being passed between the Fatimids and Genoese. Feel a certain disquiet over adding to the woes of that holy city, will admit.

You don’t get to be an emperor or empress if you’re not willing to kill thousands of people to make your will into reality, though. We do terrible things, and in return, we offer men and women the chance to be part of something greater than living in caves and being scared by fire.

Cross the Exarchate of Jerusalem the Senatorial conquest shopping list, anyway.

Still have my doubts about the permanence of the Exarchate, but I’ve done my best to impose some kind of law and order there, prevent the army from going overboard with the pillaging, and so forth. Maybe it will all last, after all?

Four out of five.

Am told that Catholicism is starting to seem faintly disreputable in some quarters.
OOC: This guy was a Catholic, the localization for the event was just messed up somehow.

They’re starting to call me “Valeria the Brave”. Well, they aren’t wrong.

Even in peacetime, I try to stay alert and active.

Even the Doukes are mostly off my case. Don’t expect it to last.

Daughter shaping up to be a fine heir to the empire. Maybe she’ll live up to her namesake? Iouliana the Great 2? Iouliana the Greater?

Don’t like the Black Chamber one bit, but they seem to be a reliable source of news from abroad. (But what aren’t they telling me?) The latest: The Pope in Orbetello was declared a Crusade for “Jerusalem”. That is, the Kingdom of Jerusalem. The one in Egypt, which holds a single county of the de jure territory of the old Genoese Republic of Jerusalem.

Hilarious.

Oh well, peace was getting boring. Let’s hammer another nail in Orbetello’s coffin.

As I was preparing to board my ship to Actual Jerusalem to lead the war against Fake Jerusalem, a Fatimid envoy announced that the Caliphate had declared war on the Roman Empire. Well, at least they’re realized that what’s going on here is bigger than their dumb intra-Fatimid rivalry, anyway.

Almost wish the Pope hadn’t done half the work for us; would have liked to actually test my martial prowess again. I suppose it will have to wait until the next civil war.

At least shipping the half of the army I wasn’t leading on foot from the Exarchate of Jerusalem across the Mediterranean was good practice of the Roman Navy. Those guys haven’t really been pulling their weight.

Apparently, even after we claimed the entire theme of Alexandria, the Miaphysite Pope and Patriarch still claims to be independent.

Fuck the Pope.

Or, well, fuck a Pope.

There, that’s better.

Are you taking notes, Princess Iouliana? All these holy wars are going to be on the test.

It’s not important that everyone in the empire shares the same religion, or anything like that. But the institution of the Orthodox Church is important. It’s a vital pillar of the imperial power structure, a counterweight to the doukes, a useful pretext for conquering our neighbors, etc. But it’s also the instrument of God on Earth. You’ll never get anywhere marching around trying to convert everyone at swordpoint. Instead, build a glorious house for God, and the faithful will come.

This is stupid.

Reliance on the Black Chamber can’t possibly lead anywhere good, but I don’t have time to deal with this stupid bullshit, not when I’m so close to achieving my mission from God.

One detail left.

It seems that in the wake of centuries of bloody crusades and jihads for control over the holy land, the Knights Hopsitaller have somehow endured. Even after the final destruction of the Genoese Republic of Jerusalem, they stood steadfast as the last foothold of Christianity in the Holy City, never faltering from their vigil.

Oh well, time to massacre them all.

And here I thought our standing army was too small to win a war all on its own! Pat yourself on the back, Senators.

In the Old Testament, the Israelites toppled the walls of Jericho by walking around the city seven times and tooting on a horn. We’re stuck using comparatively primitive means such as “the hardened veteran corps of the professional nucleus of the Roman military apparatus” and “extensive siegeworks”.

Rest in fucking pieces.

Speech to the Senate (first revision)
For centuries, Christendom has been divided. The Pope, squatting in the ruins of Rome, arrogantly claimed to leadership over the Church. Even after the liberation of that great city by Valeria the Apostle and the exile of the Popes to Orbetello, the Popes still claimed dominion over what by rights belongs to God— while all around him, the world burned and heathens and infidels ran rough-shod over the holiest sites of our religion.

No more! The strength of the Roman Empire has restored order to the Christian world and done in a few decades what centuries of futile “Crusades” could not by conquering the holy cities of Jerusalem and Alexandria! While the Pope in Orbetello fumes and rants, the crowned heads of Europe all look to our Church— the true Church— for guidance. Christendom has seen what we’ve
Flowery bullshit purple prose. Revise.

Speech to the Senate (second revision)
You’re welcome.

Assassination Scorecard:
Tsars Killed: 2
Badshahs Killed: 2 (plus 1 battle death)
Sultans Killed: 7 (plus 1 battle death)
Nosy Chancellors Killed: 2
Katepanos Killed: 1
Mad Bishops Killed: 1
Adventurers Killed: 1