PART THIRTY ONE: The True Confessions of Dobrava Yaroslavovna (1390-1406)

More excerpts from the diary of Empress Dobrava

We’ve continued our efforts to build up the military, of course. Ostensibly, the reason is the advance of the Ming Frontier Army— while they have humbled many of the enemies of Rome (the Gauhar Ayin, the Golden Horde, et al), they have made no guarantees about the integrity of our own territory. Of course, this is only partially true— military construction has been confined to lands controlled by the house of Yaroslavovich. This was a directive from the Senate, but a commonsense one— the army is as much for fighting the nobles of the empire as it is for opposing foreign, enemies. Or more for that, really. The nobles can plausibly be beaten. Nobody has defeated Chang Yuchun in battle yet.

You can tell that change is in the air. There’s an unrest, a kind of uncertainty that hangs over everything. Peasant revolts are becoming more common, although still easily quashed by the authorities.

I’ve just found out my brother has been slain in battle. I am distraught, of course, but relieved that his son now sits comfortably on the throne of Kiev— oftentimes, the early death of a ruler can precipitate a dynastic struggle.

As I’ve learned.

Still, a young death in battle. The blood of the Komnenoi flows in our veins, after all. Are we cursed?

At the very least, we shall have the opportunity to avenge his murder.

And even further abroad, our dynasty prospers— Duchess Gertrude von Habsburg is dead, and Anna Yaroslavovna has inherited the throne of Holland.

And my husband’s cousin, Gregory the Great of England, has been named heir to the Holy Roman Empire. I predict great things for the de Contevilles.

Further updates from the de Conteville dynasty! Gregory has been named Emperor of the Romans. Perhaps the days of the grand dynastic alliance between Henry IV and Alexios I will return?

My husband tells me his kinsman formally dissolved the Kingdom of England. I suppose he’s taking a page from Trajan I’s book— his dissolution of the crown of Sicily did much to help bring those lands into the empire, after all. And it was hardly permanent— the new line of Sicilian kings and queens have been the truest friends to the throne we could ask for!

I suppose the Komnenoi created the Order of the Sainted Emperors for a reason, but in truth they still make uneasy. Perhaps I’m still overly influenced by the rustic, simpler Orthodoxy of my father, even after all this time in the south.

At the very least, I can patronize older and more traditional arms of the church.

My husband has received another letter from our dear cousin Gregory. It seems he’s having some trouble from his vassals, who see him as a foreign interloper. Sounds awfully familiar! As if an empire is not something larger than a single nation! Such is the sorry lot of an emperor, I suppose.

Still, I expect bringing them back into the fold won’t be too much trouble. We’ve bounced back from worse, anyway!

Gregory has been forced to abdicate the throne! They’ve got their own Komitas Branas, now— Dietrich Aberffraw. 17 years old! I wonder what duke’s pulling his strings…

Poor Gregory, though! Because he’d dissolved the English crown for the good of the empire, he’s got nothing left to his name but a duchy!

I’ve decided that we need to continue to strengthen our hold on Italy. In part because the Papal State remains a potent threat that will need to be defeated if we are to ever reclaim the city of Rome— but also because Italy is the section of the empire most remote from the advance of the Ming Frontier Army. Although after the fall of León, who knows how much that means.

Emperor Dietrich has died, and good riddance! While I, of course, had hoped for my husband’s line to be restored to power, the von Habsburgs are still a part of our extended family through our marriage into the Dutch Habsburgs, so the news is not all bad. Perhaps they’ll be the firm hand the Holy Roman Empire needs to weather this power struggle?

There is little to do but watch it all unfold from afar, however. Even our small campaign against Ancona was a noticeable strain on our resources, although— at the very least— we managed to stage a military campaign without going into debt. The proximity of Sicily’s vast levies to Ancona helped, no doubt.

Our own meagre victory hardly seems to matter, in the great scheme of things. Refugees have begun flooding the western coast of Italy, fleeing Iberia— Andalusians, mostly, but some Spanish Catholics and Orthodox, too— and even a few deserters from Chang Yuchun’s army, tired of never-ending war thousands of miles from their homes.

The news they brought was momentous— the old Sultanate of Anadalusia was almost entirely destroyed, with only a small inland rump state remaining unoccupied.

But by this time, the news of the destruction of an ancient kingdom can hardly be said to be shocking.

Still, there’s very little we can do about all that. The best we can do is to try to help our family.

As I’ve learned from studying accounts of Helias’ war to depose me written by officers who fought in it, Roman troops are capable of making mincemeat out of the Russian levies.

This time, however, it worked to the advantage of the Yaroslavovich family.

We’ll just keep chipping away at Italy in hopes of one day being able to strike at the Pope and his Church Militant. I anticipate a short struggle akin to our recent war for Ancona. We probably won’t even need to bring in any troops from elsewhere in the empire— the armies of Sicily and Tuscany should suffice.

Oh.

It seems that a small portion of the mercenary corps of the Church Militant decided, on their own initiative, to try to check the Roman advance further into Italy.

The Pope— and the other hundred thousand or so men he can call at the snap of a finger– have refrained from involving themselves, so once more Roman forces arrive from Greece and Anatolia, we should still win this war. It’s become a rather larger affair than I anticipated, however.

The elite armies of Tuscany and Sicily are holding their own, however. I feel like we’ve done much to deplete the numbers of the mercenary armies.

This is so not fair.

All right, the orces I ordered in from the rest of the empire have finally arrived, and attrition has taken its toll on the forces of the Church Militant— surely Urbino can’t support such large numbers of soldiers indefinitely. It’s time to end this.

Are you fucking kidding me? The count of Urbino isn’t even Catholic, you stupid little Ceska Lipa piece of shit!

I’m fucking beat that little weirdo to death with his own mitre if it kills me. I can’t deal with this. It’s one county.

I’m going to fucking shit myself and die if I have to throw 70,000 soldiers into another battle in this war for one county.

Ugh, finally.

Next time around, I’m going to find somebody else to lead this war for me. I’m getting too old for this shit.

Oh, and of course we went bankrupt because of this. Tell me, in all the paeans to the great conquests of Valeria the Apostle and Valeria the Saint, do they ever say how she paid for it all?

Oh right, vassalizing a whole bunch of merchant republics. Too bad those underachievers in my pet republic in Cibyrrhaeot aren’t really getting the job done. I wonder if I’d get in trouble if I just, you know, killed them?

Anyway, right now? Maybe not the best time to be a merchant republic.

Some stupid asshole in Florence asked me to fund a new illuminated edition of that old dead nerd Petrarch’s work. Do I look like I’m made of money, idiot? Fuck off and ask me 20 years ago.

We can’t even afford to fill out the ranks of our standing armies.

On the bright side, eventually I’ll be fucking dead so I won’t have to deal with any of this stupid bullshit every minute of my life anymore.

Oh, no you don’t, Vyshata. You stay right there in Florence like I told you too.

Okay, fine, go and illuminate your stupid poetry book now that we’ve got two coins to rub together again. See if I care. Go on, take my money! I’ll just let the army sit around unreinforced for a few years. I’m sure it’ll take the Ming another few months to finish conquering the richest trading nation in the entire world, it’s cool.

Oh wait, no, they’re done already! Rest in fucking pieces, I guess. Jesus Christ.

Why do I even fucking bother? Should have just let that dumbass Komitas stay in charge. Well, except then the Pope probably would have decided to conquer Tuscany and put my head on a stick. Because that’d be just typical, wouldn’t it?

At least some of the people who were in the shit back in the old days are still around. Since, like, they get it? They know the score, those old guys.

Oh, and we’ve sent another ecclesiarch to his death trying to convert the Golden Horde. Oh well.

Might want to reconsider your life choices there, Khan Hulegu.

I mean, getting beaten by the Ming Frontier Army– that’s understandable. Exhibit A: The smoking ruins of Andalusia. Exhibit B: The smoking ruins of the Gauhar Ayin Empire. Exhibit C: The smoking ruins of León. Exhibit D: The smoking ruins of Somalia. Exhibit E: The smoking ruins of Antioch. Although getting attacked by them might still be the sign of an angry god.

But you guys also just lost Transoxiana to– what’s that– a Manichean liberation revolt? Wow.

Let’s just hope it doesn’t happen to us, because that would just be typical.

If we don’t all die of some gross disease first.

Constantinople’s always been cosmopolitan, attracting the best and brightest from all over the empire– your Greeks, Turks, Italians, Pechenegs, Bulgarians, Serbians, Jews, Croatians, Cumans, Arabs, etc.– but also people from all over the rest of the world, looking to seek their fortune.

Now it’s still filled with people from all over, but there’s a hint of desperation in the air. Mongols, Andalusians, Castilians, Levantines, Somalians have all seen their own empires smashed by the Ming Frontier Army and its cannons. Plus, the English and Germans, although they’d destroyed their own countries without any outside input whatsoever, like the morons they are. So they, perhaps understandably, decided that the safest place to be is behind the Theodosian walls, with the waters of the Bosphorus surrounding them on three sides.

Wouldn’t it blow to go through all of that, and then just drop dead of consumption?

Scratch that. They’re the lucky ones. Jesus Christ and St. Valeria am I too old for this shit.

At least somebody’s still alive in Constantinople to lend us some money? Silver fucking linings.

And even though the standing army’s not fixed up just yet, we’ve got a few tricks up our sleeve.

And maybe my stupid nephew will remember everything I’ve ever done for him? “Ioannes the Bewitched”. That’s not encouraging.

Oh, good, he’ll help out. Maybe the Kievans will at least be a speedbump before they get shot to pieces.

Anyway, the territory occupied by Chang Yuchun is so unreasonably huge it makes shuttling our troops between Italy and Anatolia seem easy. Maybe we’ll be able to traverse the plagued hellscape of Asia Minor and drive back the Ming before they bring the bulk of their forces to bear?

The fucking Pope sided with the Ming?

It makes a certain kind of dreary sense, I guess— he has everything to gain from the Roman Empire getting a nice, thick slice carved off of it. And Chang Yuchun might be Sunni, but so were the Somalians, Gauhar Ayin, and Anadalusians, so it’s not like he’s waging holy war or something.

But still. The Pope? Fuck that guy.

Attrition from the consumption epidemic took its toll on our vanguard, and Chang Yuchun’s managed to bring in more of his forces.

We have reinforcements en route…

But his are closer.

Not now Rurik, Mommy’s busy presiding over the empire’s greatest military defeat since Manzikert.

At least I won’t need to bother getting any more armies from Paphlagonia all the way to Cilicia anymore…

No! Maybe we’ll pull this one off! Chang Yuchun overextended himself! He’s marched beyond his supply lines!

I asked who was leading the combined army at Amisos after the destruction of our main force at Cilicia.

My generals all looked at one another nervously.

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES

We won a battle! We killed ten thousand of the enemy, and only lost… a third of our remaining soldiers…

Fucking shit. Well, how are the Ming doing in general? Surely we’ve put a dent in ’em, after the great victory at Amisos…

On the bright side, I’m sure all the vassals of the empire will rally around the imperial government in this time of crisis.

Oh, fuck off. Like the 1400s are a terrific time for a ducal go-getter to strike out on their own as an independent realm.

I can’t fucking believe that I’m spending my old age like this. Maybe the Komnenoi had the right idea when they kept on dying before 30.

I guess the Ming Frontier Army killed all their dudes too, then. Rest in Pieces.

Terrific, now I get to walk all the way to the opposite-ass end of the empire to deal with those other assholes.

I finally got that fiefdom I was asking for, Mom!

Assassination Scorecard:
Tsars Killed: 2
Badshahs Killed: 2
Sultans Killed: 7
Nosy Chancellors Killed: 3
Katepanos Killed: 1
Mad Bishops Killed: 1
Adventurers Killed: 1
Popes Killed: 2

Battle Scorecard
Badshahs Killed: 1
Sultans Killed: 1
Katepanos Killed: 1
That guy who killed our genius heir: 1

Execution Scorecard
Puppet Emperors Killed: 1