PART SIXTY-THREE: With a Smile of Christian Charity (March 3rd, 1870 – March 15th, 1875)
Johannes Goethe, son of Friedrich Goeth, founder of the Goethe-Spalding Munitionsfabriken GmbH
Philomon Anatolikos, member of the Salon of Noor Sallajer; son of Iouliana Anatolike, Patrician of the House of Anatolikos Trading Company of Venice
Johannes Goethe and Philomon Anatolikos had much in common– both the privileged sons of wealthy industrialists, they shared a passion for sport, cards, and anarcho-capitalist politics. Anatolikos, as a member of the HERMES party, was a reformist, while Goethe likely harbored crypto-Pangalist tendencies, but as Byzantine politics became increasingly leftist and Habsburg politics stalled in a moderate centrism, the two quickly found more common ground than differences, and began an extraordinary correspondence in 1870. It is fascinating, given the role both men would play in later 19th century history.
Goethe,
You know what’s bullshit? Everything. But especially President Kazimir Duvnjak and the wave of unemployed wretches, union thugs, and God-botherers he rode into the Golden Horn.
I mean, look, we’re industrialists, you and I. We recognize the potential of industry as the engine of power and wealth that drives all the world.
And obviously it’s the cornerstone of our strength. Why’d we bounce back so quickly after the Ming rolled us and we had to scrap three quarters of the fucking navy to fight a bunch of hicks from Rhodes and the rottenest apple to ever fall from the Komnenoi tree?
Industry, industry, industry.
Now, it’s bad enough the socialists want to go back to the sort of meddling with industry you saw under the Capitolino. But they’re prioritizing investment in industry by the number of unemployed workers. What the fuck? Sure, it blows that Ankara got hit hard in the Civil War. Guess what, there are many fine railways leading out of Ankara. A train ticket’s a lot cheaper than a government-subsidized widget manufactory.
I’m trying to think of one damned reason not to just blow my brains out right here and now.
P.A.
Philomon!
We live in a glorious world! The march of Progress can be stopped by no priest, king, or president. Think of Lenape!
For years, the Lenape Republic has been forced to endure humiliating subjugation at the hands of the hands of the Ayiti Federation. But now— they are free! Their ineffective old democracy has sloughed away in favor of something new:
I know what you’re thinking– isn’t the Lenape Radical Party a bit… Pangalist? Yet surely you recognize that, however it came about, whatever came before is better than foreign tyranny. Whatever prosperity Lenape had left to it was due to the efforts of the bankers, merchants, and industrialists of Mannahatta. Now, the rudder of state is firmly in their hands.
Your affectionate friend,
Johannes
Goethe,
Oh yes, I do so love the Pangalists. I love that they just tried yet another doomed rebellion…
..while we’re at war with Russia…
…which, in turn, delayed the arrival of Byzantine troops enough that Krakow surrendered to the Russo-Polish alliance on its own initiative, leaving us in a war with no clear goal or war-aims like a bunch of jackasses.
Don’t get me wrong, Goethe, it’s Russia we’re fighting…
…so it’s not exactly taxing on the Army, because if there’s one thing the Russians are horrible at (and there are, in fact, a great many things the Russians are horrible at) it’s fielding armies that don’t immediately disintegrate when they run into Byzantine armies.
But the legitimacy of fighting one of our traditional enemies– oh, that dastardly Tsarina of Russia, Third Rome– has given Duvnjak a lot of political capital. Government schools! You know how hard it is to walk back from a reform like that? We’re going to be paying to teach a bunch of future chimney-sweeps and scullery maids how to read Greek, Latin, and Arabic literally forever.
Bet there’ll be all sorts of socialist propaganda, like those creepy Phanariote schools the Church loves so much. Jesus Christ.
Don’t even get me started on this “Friendly Society” business. Oh, we aren’t a union! We’re just a cooperative. This is an entirely different thing, somehow. Eat my entire ass.
I guess we should talk about our plan. The fighting really isn’t too bad. Well, not too bad for us. I imagine it is pretty bad for the Russians.
So I suppose our little venture is still moving forward. I’ve assembled my teams— real street toughs, the whole bunch of ’em, but my God are they good at what they do. Guess growing up in the slums of Constantinople or Tuscany makes you tough. A lot of ’em are veterans of the Containment War, too. And of course I’ve had backers from the business community bankrolling the whole operation from the start– which is good, we need as many stakeholders with money as possible for this whole enterprise to work. I’m assuming you’ve done the same on your side? Or have you just spent the last year staring at yourself in the mirror and combing your moustache.
P.A.
Philomon!
Oh, ye of little faith! I’ve set up a whole parallel organization in the Habsburg domains and their neighbors– better than yours, even. April 3rd, 1871 is a day that shall go down in history as the dawning of a bright new age.
With my league in the north, and yours in the south, we’ll win the hearts and minds of all Europe.
Your affectionate friend,
Johannes
APRIL 3rd, 1871
Goethe,
Ah, nice to hear some fucking good news for once. The European Baseball League is gonna be big. Maybe we can’t eradicate socialism, but at least we can put a dent in fucking horse-racing. I’m telling you, Captain Ichiro Suzuki was fucking wasted on the Blues— was a visionary, a man ahead of his time. He deserved to round the corners and come home, not just ride around in circles forever. We’ll finally do him justice.
Oh right, current events not involving baseballs (but still involving horses getting shot, presumably): I’m starting to think that France is not so much collapsing as just gradually shifting westwards. Still, Lai Ang’s a softer target than the HRE is these days, eh, Goethe? The Iberians are running so scared their government fled to Zheng He Bay. You know, the one in Avalon. Hubris over the Transatlantic Cable, or just pure stupidity? We’ll never know.
They’re out of the Black Sea, too. Rough business. Good for Byzantine merchants in the Black Sea, though— the Russian merchant fleet is a bunch of garbage scows compared to Lai Ang. Almost as bad as our actual navy, maybe. Nah.
Oh, and we made a white peace with Russia because even though we’d killed approximately ten billion of their soldiers, the conquest of Krakow was a fait accompli.
In summary: Who fucking cares. Baseball!
P.A.
Philomon!
Ah, to see such sportsmanship on the playing-field! As President of the Northern League of European Baseball, and, of course, a life-long Berliner, I was of course partial to the Berlin Glory in their championship game with Thessaloniki.
Yet the Thessaloniki Athletics displayed such mastery of the sport and derring-do I hesitate not to admit that even I was up on by feet and joining the crowd in a huzzah! for Greek athleticism. The heirs to the Olympians of old walked the ballpark!
Of course, this spirit of gentlemanly mutual respect between our two nations was only further enhanced by the fore-knowledge that having met as foes on the playingfield, we would soon be comrades on the battlefield.
Your affectionate friend,
Johannes
Goethe,
War’s good for business— when it’s not fought on our territory. Wars with France tend not to be. So I’m glad that Duvnjak realizes that we should keep on helping you guys hammer away at the French east.
That’s what I thought initially. Than I read the Gazette a little more closely and I thought, wait, what? France started this war?
HRE-Byzantine forces had already overrun the French frontier four days after the baseball Championship ended. The only explanation is that the machine dukes are the three dumbest people alive.
And if they think their superior élan will save the day, well, you’re in the munitions business, you know what’s up.
What a god-damned embarrassment. Glad your Charlotte von Habsburg is willing to stick the boot in, since God knows nobody in Constantinople wants to since they’re all convinced that if we do anything even slightly aggressive a hundred thousand Ming dragoons will hove into view across the Caucasus.
Just hope it’s all over before spring training begins. Last thing I want is my players getting maimed during the off-season.
P.A.
Philomon!
Charlotte von Habsburg is so confident, in fact, that she’s already laying out the future of the world on dinner napkins. Subsaharan Africa’s going to the place to be in the coming decades, mark my words.
Oh, I’m sure all sorts of appeals to the finer sensibilities will be made— especially in Constantinople. You Byzantines have always had an idealistic streak. It gives you brilliant rulers like Noor Sallajer or Juno Koca, but it also leads to ill-conceived magical thinking in the style of your irenicists, Labour Party, trade unions, et al. Perhaps insinuations will be made that we are bringing Progress or Enlightenment ideals to the poor peoples of southern Africa, still suffering under monarchs. Perhaps an attempt will be made to portray these states as sparsely-populated and inhospitable to civilization without the benefits of technology. Or perhaps tortured comparions to the continent-spanning empires of Avalon, Eurasia, and northern Africa will be made— if the Sicilians, Croats, and all the rest are really all part of a happy Byzantine family, then, why, why shouldn’t Gaza or Matabele join that family?
Utter bunk, of course. Subsaharan Africa is possessed of great wealth and resources that until recently we lacked the means to procure for ourselves. Now we have railroads, steamships, telegraph-wires, and better medicine than our periwigged, breeches-wearing forefathers had. Much more virtuous simply to admit that the acquisition of wealth is an inherent good, and get on with acquiring it. If we don’t, Ghana and Somalia will.
Your affectionate friend,
Johannes
Goethe,
Remember when every war with France was a titanic struggle that killed half of Europe and set the rest on fire? Neither do I, because, holy fuck the war ended before your letter even arrived in Athens.
The House of Anatolikos is doing well for itself now that they’ve finally decided the budget can allow for the construction of a more modern navy. Now that’s government spending I can get behind.
Of course, Duvnjak is taking credit for all of this, and we’ll probably never see the last of him. Still, look how far Byzantium and the Holy Roman Empire have risen in the world as partners in liberty!
Hopefully the socialists won’t ruin everything. The unions– and “Friendly Societies”– all threatened to strike unless wages went up, so up they went. Memories of goldfish— don’t they remeber that half of them were out of work until the government forced business-owners to open unprofitable factories in war-ravaged wastelands? Now they already want more. Proof you need to take a hardline with these fuckers right off the bat, or they’ll just take and take and take and take. Take your eyes of the baserunner for a second and he’s already stolen third.
And don’t even get me started on what the irenicists are up to.
Worse yet, a Bulgarian nationalist agitated for the dissolution of the republic and he didn’t even get shot.
P.A.
Goethe,
O.K. you probably haven’t even gotten my last letter yet but, remember what an enjoyable jaunt that war with France was?
And O.K., it’s probably wrong to hold you responsible for the actions of Charlotte von Habsburg since I don’t think the commissioner of German baseball holds that much sway.
Still, I think that you slightly misrepresented the war you were fighting to us when you called on our aid.
Like maybe telling us that Hungary was allied with Da Qin and China.
What the fuck, Goethe?
P.A.
Philomon!
I’m no fan of Charlotte von Habsburg, believe me. Your distate for your socialists is trivial compared to the depth of my hatred for the fact that we still exist under the tyranny of a crowned head and a medieval pedigree. The Habsburgs are temperate, liberal monarchs– but no one reigns innocently.
Germany needs unity now, though. We need to become strong before we put our house in order. Imagine if Noor Sallajer launched her revolution during the Deluge?
In any case, believe it or not, Charlotte and her ministers have a plan. China does not enter this war undistracted:
I’m sure your army can fight whatever token force the Chinese sent to Anatolia whilst the bulk of their forces are engaged in India…
…and we all know Da Qin is a pale shadow of the state that once brought Byzantium to its knees in the days of the Radziwills.
Hungary has already been thoroughly subdued and all our war aims accomplished in short order…
…so I doubt that you will be fighting alone in the east.
And then you’ll be able to say you beat China in a war. Say, “Thank you, Germany.”
Your affectionate friend,
Johannes
Goethe,
Thank you “Germany”?
Odd that Charlotte von Habsburg is still insisting that her nation is still not Germany even though all the electors besides Bavaria just voted to unify with the Habsburg’s direct holdings into a single empire, making Charlotte the Kaiserin of… what, exactly?
It’s not a very good look for you.
P.A.
Philomon!
It’s embarrassing to live in an empire without a name– or, worse, an empire named for a medieval relic. But the Holy Roman Empire has had a tortuous history which cannot simply be dismantled overnight. Henry IV Salian’s Holy Roman Empire was already a cancerous tumor full of dukes, bishoprics, and antipopes squatting in the heart of Europe. From there, a slow motion collapse, endless intrigues between the Habsburgs, Bremens and de Contevilles.
Our apologies to the English for destroying their nation forever and ultimately leading to their conquest by Scotland, but they seem happier this way:
And then the whole rotting mess was cleaved in two by the Ming Frontier Army. Karl von Habsburg turned what was left into something approaching a state, but it was all for nought, and France and Poland ground into irrelevance, oblivion, and annexation. The “Holy Roman Empire” which haunts later history is totally discontinuous with the old one, which died with Branwen von Habsburg. Somebody just forced Poland to give up the tiny slice of German territory it had seized, and they found a Habsburg to plop on the throne and call it “Rome”.
It’s a real mess, in other words. But it gave the German people a home, of sorts, in their darkest hour. Finally dismantling the fiction of the Holy Roman Empire is just the first step to something greater.
News from Avalon— Lenapes attempt to liberate “Zheng He Bay” from its Eurasian overlords failed. I realize you must have mixed feelings about that, given the perfectly justifiable realpolitic alliance Byzantium has with Lai Ang. Still, Lenape exited with its honor intact!
Still, the seeds planted by the Pangalists of Lenape have been borne far by the wind…
Your affectionate friend,
Johannes
Goethe,
There’s still something to be said for trying to work within the system. Not saying the Mayan revolutionaries were wrong, of course, since they had a shitty dictator who wouldn’t just let them vote radical minarchists into power and establish a perfect state of liberty. And Burgundy is so tiny it literally doesn’t matter what happens there, ever. But we live in a democracy, so let’s be civilized, please.
I have a good feeling about this one, too.
Let’s see the socialists try to reform their way out of this one.
Clearly HERMES isn’t going to win, or anything– I’m not totally delusional. (If I were, I’d bet on Athens winning the Championship. Not in this life, pal.) But we need somebody with initiative, damn it. All that wealth just slipping through our fingers while we fuss around with schools and temperance leagues and government-standardized wages.
Later—
Sorry, was so busy I forgot to actually put this in the mail! The liberals have won the day, sort of. A little. They basically formed the shittiest coalition ever to form a government— a bunch of Julians and Junonians swallowing their contempt for one another and— oh, look, it’s plucky little HERMES! I’m sure they just want our caucus votes and aren’t going to usher in a new age of anarcho-capitalism or anything. But we have some pull. And I have a lot of money tied up in HERMES. I’m confident I’ll be able to get at least something done.
The new President seems like a sensible woman. She’s from industry, you know? She might be a Junonian and have all sorts of idealistic baggage and/or useless opinions about Juno Koca’s revolution and its relationship to Roman constitutionalism, but when you get right down to it she knows the score.
Valeria Allegri, Thirteenth President of the Byzantine Republic
Inaugurated October 31st, 1874
The Junonians
Since, listen, if there’s ever a time for a unified front…
There’s a whole lotta suckers out there in this crazy world of ours— a whole lot of people who look at the enlightened governments in the world and want to tear ’em down and replace them with some kind of idiotic scheme to gather together all of the unions, collectives, churches, “Friendly Societies”, whatever, into one communal state where they all sit in a drum circle and pray for equality, I guess.
On a totally unrelated note, I’m leaving Athens. The Salon of Noor Sallajer’s been getting a bit one-sided lately, and they’re letting all sorts of riff-raff in. Not much of a reason to stick around at this point.
I’ll send you my mailing address in Thessaloniki as soon as I’ve settled in. Thessaloniki’s a better baseball town, anyway.
P.A.
WORLD MAP, 1873 (forgot to save one for 1874, whoops)
BASEBALL RESULTS, 1871-1875
