STATE OF THE WORLD, 1934
Jesus Christ, has there been a lot of baseball history. 63 years of baseball! We’ve outlasted like half the major governments in the world at this point.
That’s it, I’m retiring after this season. I’m out! Maybe I’ll have one fucking year of peace and quiet before I finally croak. Oh wait, the entire world is splitting itself up into three mutually hostile ideological blocks that all want to see the other wiped off the map. I’ll probably get crushed beneath the treads of an imperial landship or something.
Thanks to precedents set early on, we still play baseball with everyone from the worst fascists to… well, us. Games between fascist teams and socialist or liberal ones tend to result in riots, things thrown onto the field by irate fans, dugout-clearing brawls, etc. Which is still better than a fucking war.
“Baseball is the continuation of politics by other means.”
–Carl Phillipp Gottfried von Clausewitz, probably
Remember when the London de Contevilles won every fucking European Classic? Jesus Christ did they get smug about that. Fuck you, London.
Paris won in ’31 and ’32. So while the Gallic Empire was massacring the Germans in real life, they were also massacring Athens B.U. on the baseball field. But Athens finally won a championship ring this year! First time since 1891. It was against Izmir, so it wasn’t exactly the hottest of rivalries (How did Izmir even get into the Northern League, anyway? This is what happens when you take a laissez faire attitude to league expansion, I guess.)
Most of the changes to the rules and structure of the League in recent years have been relatively minor. Oddly enough, nobody is much in the mood to start a new baseball team. I wonder why? Note well, though, than in the glorious year of 1914, we finally triumphed over our bitter ideological enemies and forced the Northern League to abolish the designated hitter rule.
Here’s the division standings from the end of the 1933 regular season. Congratulations on being the worst team in baseball, Tuscany! That includes Berlin, whose stadium was blown by Imperium dive-bombers, and Dublin United, which is in Ireland.
I hear they’re a bit salty in Athens about not having a chance for revenge against Paris, but frankly anouther European Classic between fascists and communists would have given me a fucking heart attack, so I’m glad Izmir got rid of the Frenzy in the league championship.
Izmir got fucking swept, though. I always think the Classic’s a bit boring when it’s a sweep.
Now it’s the dead of winter, so there’s not much in the news except for trades, trades, trades. And Fedyenka Paleev apparently injuring himself in some unspecified but probably hilarious way.
Let’s take a closer look at the teams.
SOUTHERN LEAGUE
Athens B.U. is dominant under the legendary management of Aaron Seaward and Victor Martínez. After a few years of near-misses, they finally have another European Classic victory under their belt. They probably won’t shut up about it for the next fifty years or so.
Ankara continues to wallow in mediocrity. They have the best name and the worst logo in all of baseball.
The Byzantion Crimson management’s impressive moustaches aren’t enough to get them into the playoffs. I think it might be their unwillingness to spend any money on anything, ever.
The Rome Legionaries should probably change their name.
The Ragusa Pirates managed to claw their way up to playing .500 ball, somehow.
3rd biggest budget in baseball and they can’t even get above .500. What a shit-show.
Ah, my beloved Thessaloniki Athletics! Cruelly wrenched from my ownership by the communists! They’ve been rudderless ever since.
this is the dumbest name for a baseball team i’ve seen in my entire life
The Venice Fallen Kings: “Still better at this than Tuscany”
Maybe 1934 will be their year!
NORTHERN LEAGUE
The champions of the Northern League are in Anatolia! Sorry, that’s still hilarious to me. They should probably move somewhere else.
As a civilized person, fuck these guys. But as baseball commissioner, I have to concede that they’ve been playing some very good baseball lately. Fortunately, Izmir managed to blow them up. The little team that could!
Konrad Homeier runs the front office with real baseball acumen.
Manager Sam Thornbear’s excellent record and easygoing style serves as an elegant repudiation of the authoritarianism of his team’s home nation. Hahaha, like anybody gives a shit about that.
The London de Contevilles have a respectable record, but their glory days are far behind them. London is one of the biggest baseball cities in the world, though, and there’s a lot of money in fielding a good team there. I’m sure they’ll start winning Classics again and annoying us all before too long. Assuming the Imperium doesn’t fly across the English Channel and firebomb them all to death, or something.
By making the playoffs in the dark year of 1931, right after the NGF’s defeat the Lightning War, the Dresden Saxons were a beacon of hope for the entire German nation. Then they lost to Paris, who went on trounce Athens.
These guys need to change their name even more than the Rome Legionaries, holy moley.
Cologne is right on the border between the Gallic Empire and the NGF. They… have not had a very nice 1930s. They were another great German hope for baseball-based revenge that fell to the irresistible force of the Paris Frenzy.
The Frankfurt Fencers, on the other hand, never even got anywhere near the playoffs, so they couldn’t disappoint anybody by losing them.
How impressive is it that these guys are even still playing baseball? Certainly more impressive than their record, but you can’t really blame them.
The Edinburgh Crusaders were one of the dominant teams of the 1920s— the London de Contevilles of the Jazz Age— but their empire has since turned to ash. .375 in 1932? Holy shit!
Rest in fucking pieces, Dublin.
Finally, let’s take a look at baseball around the world…
Wait, what the hell is this garbage? Half these countries are made up! Who compiled these statistics? Alexios? Alexios, get in my office so I can fucking fire you. Jesus Christ.